When I decided to write an article on Referral Mindset, I googled “referral mindset” and I got several pages of articles and videos from guys who talk about being in the habit of asking for referrals, getting referrals from your customers every time you sit down with them. Wowing your clients so they want to refer you. Those all seemed like strategies to me so I looked up “Mindset” by Carol Dweck and learned something completely different.

Mindsets are beliefs—beliefs about yourself and your most basic qualities. Think about your intelligence, your talents, your personality. Are these qualities simply fixed traits, carved in stone and that’s that? Or are they things you can cultivate throughout your life?

People with a fixed mindset believe that their traits are just givens. They have a certain amount of brains and talent and nothing can change that. So people in this mindset worry about their traits and how adequate they are. They have something to prove to themselves and others.

People with a growth mindset, see their qualities as things that can be developed through their dedication and effort. Sure they’re happy if they’re brainy or talented, but that’s just the starting point. They understand that no one has ever accomplished great things—not Mozart, Darwin, or Michael Jordan—without years of passionate practice and learning.

A referral mindset is the belief that you can be good at networking and the desire and willingness to learn more about referrals. We often think that people who are good at networking are just born with a networking or referral mindset, but the reality of it is this, if you want to get referrals, if you want to build a strong network, you have to be open to learning more about the process. Your referral mindset is your choice, you can let your self talk tell you that you are not good at it, or you can let your self talk encourage you to learn more and get good at it.

Women are growing businesses all over the world. As you can see from this chart, taken from BOLT Insurance Site,  the total impact globally is significant. When we did our global survey of 12,000 men and women, we learned a lot about how the sexes go about connecting and doing business differently. If men want to be able to do business with, connect, get and give referrals with women, they are going to have to learn some new techniques. It is important on both sides of the fence that we learn to “adapt” to one another’s style.

Three key area’s stood out from our survey that certainly impact our ability to network, connect and refer:

1. How men and women go about building relationships and doing business
2. How we go about learning to network
3. What is important to her when referring and what is important to him

The biggest issue is this, when ask “How do you learn your networking skills?” men only scored higher in one category, “On My Own”. It was clear that women were seeking education while men felt they already new it all.

Based on the statistics above, this could be a major issue for men who have not learned to adapt their networking strategy. Women are dominating the business world and they are making many of the financial decisions in businesses and at home. I am ever amazed at how many men tell me, “They don’t read books” and our survey showed they don’t take classes, so how are men going to learn to connect and do business with women the way that women want to do business? What will it cost men and women to not learn?

Flip side of the coin is this; Men still dominate the business world, ladies how are you learning to adapt your networking strategy?

As 2011 was moving out and the 2012 was moving in, Lorraine Ball and I were taking our weekly long walk on the Monon discussing and solving all the problems of the world or at least our world.  The topic of people saying thank you came up.  Lorraine has been interviewing people for a position in her company and she noted that no one sent any kind of a thank you message to her or her team for the time taken.  Her question was, “Whatever happened to the simple Thank You Note?”

The art of the handwritten note card, is a lost art that hardly anyone knows how to do or why they should. Emails notes and cards are cheaper, easier and faster, and at least that is better than nothing at all. But there is something special about that small little handwritten card that shows up in your mail. The moment you see it you know that it is usually good news, and not the typical bill or crap mail you usually get.

There was a time that it was just common courtesy to send a thank you card to someone who had done you a kindness. It was a simple act of gratitude. Today people barely say thank you let alone write it out in a note card. I am always so happy when I get a note from someone, it makes me feel appreciated, it tells me that I make a difference or that I have contributed in some small way to another. I keep the cards that I get throughout the year on a board in my office and when I feel discouraged or just need a boost, I can look at the board and know that there are people out there that appreciate me and the work I do. It is such a positive reminder of who I am in the world.

Sending thank you notes or just a simple “Hi How Are You” Note is also an excellent strategy to have when you are trying to stay in touch with your network and the people you meet regularly.  The handwritten note is a great way to stand out from the crowd.

On a recent television show, one of the human interest shows, they did a segment on the handwritten note. I was shocked and amazed! I watched with great interest, after all in this age of technology in communication, this was astounding. The segment was excellent, and they interviewed this man, John Kralik, who has written an entire book on the simple act of sending out cards and how it has changed his life. See, not only does your kindness of a card make a difference to the person who got it, but it makes a difference in your life too.

You don’t need a reason, it does not have to be fancy, and you don’t have to write like Halmark. Just pull out a little card, say thank you or I appreciate you and mail it. Make it a habit this year, set yourself a part from the pack, be different and be sincere.

Today, I will clear off my board, put my cards from 2011 into a special wooden box, and start putting up my 2012 collection of inspiration. I will continue my practice of mailing at least one card a day with the hope that I will inspire someone else to pass along a simple act of kindness.

Ladies we all know that building a strong business network is key to being the most successful in life and in business. Building a strong network requires two things, time and education, with the key requirement being time. After all it takes time to invest in our education.

Here is one tip to help you, learn to have a strong No! No, I cannot serve on the PTA Board this year. No, I cannot chair that fundraiser. No, I cannot take on that project at work. No, I cannot be the carpool mom for this activity. It is better to have a strong No than it is to have a weak Yes. A weak Yes ruins your credibility, and shows you as someone who only half commits. A strong No shows that you know you limitations and how to give effectively.

Take a look at what you are trying to accomplish, do your activities really support that? Instead of taking on new activities, take a look at the things that you are already doing and figure out how they are supporting you in building that network that you need. How much time are you spending at unproductive events? Would your time be better spent going to events where you know you will be able to connect with people already in your network? Do you really need to add more people right now?

Next ask yourself, how much time have you set aside for your personal and professional development? If you want to build a network of people who help you build a business you love, you need to set aside time to learn the skills it takes to build the relationships that help to build a business and life you love.

This week, take time to list all of your activities, how are they serving you? How are you serving them? Which of them do you need to give up? Where in your life, are you doing things out of a sense of duty versus a passion for the activity? Where in your life are you not really giving 100%?

When you do that, you will know what you need to give up and what you should say No to.

I was asked recently to speak at a conference here in Indianapolis. They told me they really didn’t have money for speakers, they were a not for profit organization for medical students called, Student National Medical Association. I was reluctant,to take on the project, after all it takes a lot of time to prep for a good program even if it is only 55 minutes long. But the program was local, at the J.W. Marriott, it was only 55 minutes and it was on the basic networking skills they need to practice, so I said yes, I would do it.

I am glad that I did. These students were hungry for the knowledge. Their young heads are full of facts, numbers, and all kinds of medical information. What no one has bothered to teach them is how to build and maintain a network that will help them find a job when they leave school.

My information was basic, geared for students, but the questions and comments that the students had after the program were both heart warming and disappointing. Universities let our students down in a big way when it comes to helping them build a network that will help them find jobs.   Statistically 85% of all jobs are found thru a personal recommendation from someone in our network. That being said, our students often start in a deficit as they have no network.

When students enter the university they should be given a class on networking. From the day they start they should start the process of building their networks. Every person they meet should go into their database, the professors who teach them, the mentors who help them, the students they connect too. Every part-time job they work is an opportunity to build relationships that will help in the future.

The students on my workshop asked me over and over again, why hasn’t anyone told us this, and how can I reconnect with some people who have really helped me? I gave them tips individually on how to reach back and reconnect, but I could not answer the first question. I don’t believe that universities across the country understand the importance of or the basics of building a network. Maybe, it is time that we reach out to our universities and help the students. It is a tough economy, there are fewer jobs to be had for the graduates, they need every edge they can get, and it has to start before they are ready to graduate.

I am glad that I decided to take the speaking engagement, and I feel blessed that I got to meet such wonderful students, doing great things

The first step to getting quality referrals is the trust step. All to often this is the one step that everyone tries to rush and it is the one step that is not controlled by you. While there are things that you can do that builds trust, it is actually up to the other person to decide when and if they trust you.

Until you have trust with others, there is no way that they are going to risk their reputation or their best clients with you. Every time you receive a referral from someone they are in fact lending you their credibility, their reputation.

What are the steps that you can take to build trust with your fellow network members? Think about what it takes before you trust another person. Do you trust fast, until someone proves they are not worthy of your trust, or do you trust slow, people must prove they are trustworthy first. What actions motivate you to trust?Here are some very simple things that build trust everyday.

First, do what you say you are going to do. This seems simple enough right? But all to often people over extend themselves or they say yes to things that they are really not interested in doing. If you say that you are going to do something for someone right it down on a task list, put a date and time next to it and getting it done.

In a survey of over 12,000 business people, participants stated that follow up was a key activity if they were going to pass referrals, when people did not follow up promptly they did not trust them to pass referrals to them.

Don’t talk about you, ask questions and show interest in learning about the other person.

Listen to the person who is talking to you, don’t look at your cell phone, don’t look over their shoulder, pay attention, show respect for their time and information.

Be positive, people who have a smile and positive attitude are the people we want to be around. They are likeable and we trust them quicker.

Lastly, whenever possible, give a lead, referral, connection or information. Practice the givers gain attitude, it will take you a long way in building strong trusting relationships.

Take your time, be authentic and people will trust and want to refer you. They will know that they can trust you to make them look good with their clients, family and friends. For more information on building trust I recommend the book.

If you get a chance pick up The Speed of Trust by Stephen Covey, he gives a systematic approach to building trust with a list of the 7 Secrets to building trust in your life.

I did a presentation today for the Indianapolis Chamber of Commerce, Business Growth Series.   I was asked the following question, How do you get connected to the decision maker of a company?

A good question and one that many people ask. The answer is simple, but it is not easy. Here is the answer for all of you who want to know the simple answer;   Ask you network to connect you.  There I told you it was simple, just ask.

Ah, but I also said, it was not easy.  Here is the rest of the answer.   There is a lot of work that must go into your network prior to asking and getting the connections.

1. You must develop your network – Too many business people spend all their time building these huge databases of people, constantly adding to it. They have very wide networks, but not very deep. Stop adding people to your network, take the time to identify the people in your network whom you need to really develop a relationship with. Go into your network and start working on building relationships.  See who is already referring you, find your key sources and connectors.  Spend time working in your network, develop the people you already know versus adding more people to the network.

2. Identify your key connectors. Who are they? In every network of people there are key connectors who will be able to connect you to a multitude of people you would not otherwise have the opportunity to meet. Build deeper relationships with your key connectors.

3.  Know who you want to be connected to.  This means you need to do a little homework and find out who this contact is you are after.  To often I hear “I want an introduction to the head of Marketing for the XYZ company.”    It would be more effective when asked this way:  ”I am looking for a personal introduction to David Jones, of the XYZ Company.”  Now your network knows who you want to be connected to and how you want to be connected.  They can easily look in their database and see if they know that person.   Most networkers never do the home work to identify who they want to know.

A few weeks ago I walked into a little shop downtown called Arts a Poppin. It was one of those places that sell all kinds of locally created art work.   As is always the case in shops like this, there were all kinds of unique items to catch my attention and beckon for me to carry them home.  As I picked up items, I wondered who made it and why?  What is the story?

On one shelf there lay these composition notebooks covered in vinyl covers of all colors.  None of them had really distinguishable designs on them, but they were high quality, very well made covers for composition notebooks.  Anyone who knows me, knows that I use a lot of composition books.  I carry them around with me all the time to keep notes, to do’s and idea in, so these covers interested me.  I picked them up looked them over and could not really figure them out.  Yes they were covers, nicely made, but the design or lack of design in the colors struck me as odd.  I noticed a small tag sewn on the cover that said, “Freakin Billboard” .  I also noticed the price tag of $19.99, I laid the one I had down and decided that I really did not need to spend $20 bucks on a vinyl cover for my $2.00 notebook.

Several days later I was invited to a party.  I met two women Ann and Beth,  we began to talk about what we did for a living.  They told me that they were into recycling, specifically they recycled Billboards.  Today’s Billboards are done in vinyl, when they are taken down they are thrown into landfills by the tons, so they decided to make “stuff” out of this water-proof material.  All kinds of stuff, messenger bags, purses and journals.  It was a fascinating story and as they were telling it, I thought back to the vinyl covered composition books at the shop.  Suddenly I realized those notebooks were their journals, Ann and Beth were “Freakin Billboard”!    Funny how small the world can seem sometimes.

The very next time I was downtown, I stopped into that same little shop, and I bought a vinyl cover for my composition notebook, the cost of $19.99, did not seem like that much because I knew the story behind the product.  You see the vinyl cover was just a vinyl cover until I knew the story, then it became something more.

Do people know your story and can other people tell your story?   Think about it.

In his book Business By Referral, Dr. Misner discusses the importance of knowing what is important to the people in your network. He developed the GAINS Profile as way to help facilitate conversation that was productive for network members to get to know each other.

The G in GAINS stands for Goals. One of the ways that network members can help each other is by understanding what each are trying to accomplish, in this way we can take an active role in helping our fellow networkers accomplish their Goals.

Do you know what the Goals are for the members of your Network? Do you know what is important for them to accomplish this year? If you learn that, you will learn ways that you can give to your network, helping them do the things that are important to them.

These do not need to be limited to professional Goals they can be personal goals also. One of my Goals this year was to lose enough weight to go down another dress size and maintain that.   A member of my network is a marathon trainer and encouraged me to get involved with his marathon group. Assuring me that he would support me throughout the process and it would help me reach my goal. Indeed it did, with his support, education and persistence I met my goal and I have a desire to help Cecil accomplish his Goals.

Take the time, ask your network members how you can help them reach their goals. When we help each other we all achieve more.

Welcome Guest Blogger - Tiffany Kellog, she is a friend, fellow Referral Institute Instructor and fellow Blogger.

Have you ever been at a networking event, and you were scoping out nametags, and you saw a name tag that had both a name and an industry. You think to yourself, I know what _______ does… for example, perhaps you see a florist, and you think that you know what a florist does… so why do you need to ask more? Perhaps you see a financial planner at a networking event… do you know what they do? (And are you now, while you are reading this, thinking I know what a financial planner does?)

Often times, by listing your profession on your name tag, you are painting yourself into a box, and it’s not always the one you want to be put in! The disadvantage of listing your industry on your name tag is that you are putting yourself into a category which will allow the people you meet to decide, before speaking to you, exactly what you do and who you are… and if they already have the answers to those questions, why continue on?

Instead of putting your professional category on the name tag, why not put something on your nametag that will have them asking you multiple questions about your business? The advantage is that you get to tell them EXACTLY what you do, and not have them fit you into their preconceived notion of your profession.

So, when you are at your next networking event (or ordering your next set of name tags), what will you be writing to describe what you do?

Having problems with filling in that blank? I recommend the Certified Networker Program, Module 1 & 9, to help come up with your Emotional Based Marketing Message and ideas on what you should put on your name tag.