Where does mentoring play a role for women?  When I needed a mentor, I could not find a female mentor who knew much at all about networking and growing my business by word of mouth.

I had to go to a male mentor which was great from the business point of view, but there was no one who could help me with how women go about connecting effectively.  I believe that we are called to reach back and help those coming up behind us.  Put our hand out and offer to show them the path that we have blazed.  When I asked Sandra Yancy, the founder of E-Women how women could become better at networking and connecting, she  stated that she believes that mentoring is a key component to women being more successful and she would like to brand the word “Femtor”  females mentoring other females.  While I am not sure if we need to add a new word to the english dictionary I am a firm believer in mentoring and women should be mentoring other women, I believe that we have to ask for mentors.  Our study shows that those people who said they used mentors and coaches were also the people who showed the most success in their networking and referrals.

Females often ask me how they find a mentor for themselves and here is the advice that I give them;  Ask.  Simply find someone whom you want to learn from, someone you hold in esteem and ask then if they would consider mentoring you. Let them know why you chose to ask them and what you want to learn from them.  If you never ask, you never have the opportunity to learn from great women all around you.  Most women are very open to mentoring.  Unfortunately most women are reluctant to ask, case in point, I am currently mentoring 3 men.  All three of the gentlemen came to me, ask me if I would be open to helping them via a mentoring process, told my why they wanted me to help them and have all followed up.  Not one woman has asked me even though I speak to women and women’s organizations consistently.

I remember sitting in a room listening to a group of very successful local women.  When it was time to ask questions I wanted to know if they were mentoring other women to be successful. Each woman told a story about one or two women they had helped.  One panelist was a business owner and had successfully opened several locations, when it was her turn to answer she stated that she mentored her daughter.  I remember being struck by that, as mothers are we not always the role model for our daughters?  Of course, I am her role model, but should we not be teaching them just as fathers teach their sons, how to connect and be successful at networking, shouldn’t we be teaching our daughters how to go out and find other mentors?   Shouldn’t we as women be reaching beyond our own family members and helping our employee’s, co-workers, or fellow business owners be successful at connecting and networking?

I would challenge every woman that we each have something of value to offer to those following behind us, and we are all very busy with husbands, children, social and professional lives, but we should always be open to mentoring someone who is looking for a helping hand.  It is what we are the very best at after all!

Have you ever met someone who you just did not like, maybe in church, at school, or at a business-networking event?  Of course! So, would it be fair to say that in all likelihood there are people out there who do not like you?  It’s shocking I know, but there are actually people out there who have never even spoken a word to you and they do not like you!  Take a deep breath, and ladies – grab a tissue and wipe your eyes, it’s ok.  Not everyone out there in the business world is going to like you, as that’s the nature of business and in fact, the nature of life.

It seems that the idea of having people not like us is a stumbling block for many women in business.  We worry that if we say the wrong thing, or if we have difficult conversations that are sometimes essential, then we will not be liked.  Therefore we don’t ask for the sale, we don’t speak up when we should, and we don’t take authority and own it. Instead we hope that people will “like” us enough to do business with us.

My coach reminds me often that my desire to be liked is in the way of my desire to be successful!  Ouch!

Here is the cold hard truth: when we put our need to be liked first we are being selfish, self-centered and insecure.  When we put the needs of others before our need to be liked, then and only then are we able to speak with truth, have authority in our expertise and lead others.  No leader anywhere can lead if their first desire is to be liked.  Even the bible cautions against having everyone like you, as it states in Luke 6:26, “Woe to you when all men speak well of you, for their fathers used to treat the false prophets in the same way”

Ladies, we don’t need everyone to like us, instead, what we need is for people to respect our authority, to have confidence in our ability to lead.  What we really want is respect for who we are and what we can accomplish.  That, ladies, is something we earn when we are secure in who we are, we know the value we bring to the table and we are able to stand in our own authority.  It is not given because we strive to be liked.

Women do not like to talk about their accomplishments, they feel that it is bragging which is unlady like and impolite.  Ladies, there is a big difference between “bragging” and sharing your accomplishments, and the latter is important if you are going to network effectively with men.  Listen to men talk to one another when they are networking and you will hear them tell each other about what they do, who they know, what schools they have gone to, what deals they have closed, even what things they have accomplished.  Here is a comment left in our survey;

#280 When I meet with women to network and discuss business I find we spend about 90% of the time getting to know each other, we discuss family, who we are, our backgrounds , etc. then we spend about 10% of time talking about business.    When meeting with men I find we spend 10% of our time getting to know each other and 90% of our time talking about business.   Both approaches are effective, but I enjoy networking with women more.

When women hear men talking they often think they are egotistical and bragging. The reality is they are building credibility with one another, when they are duly impressed they go off and do business with each other.

 Women on the other hand speak to relate to each other, they are looking to learn more about the person, who are they, what do they have in common, do they like each other, do they want to help one another? When they feel they have a connection they go forward and build a relationship of support.

#220  In my experience, women tend to network intuitively, but they tend to focus on relationship issues.  Men tend to network by design, and they tend to focus on business issues.

#178 I find that most women who network are definitely more interested in developing a relationship and then business later.  Most men get right into the conversation of  ”so what do you do?”

 Now, put a man and a woman together at a networking event and you will find they completely miss the mark when they are communicating to one another. He is telling her all about his accomplishments while she is trying to find a way to relate, he walks a way wondering why women cannot just talk about business, and she is wondering why they have to be so egotistical! They have missed the connection.

 It is important that we learn to communicate with each other more effectively, follow the lead of the person speaking.  If they are speaking about what they have accomplished, respond in a similar fashion.  On the other hand if they are speaking in a relational manner, respond in a similar fashion. When we learn to adapt to one another we can more effectively connect and refer each other allowing us both to do more business.

After surveying 12,000 men and women world wide about referrals and networking we learned that, knowing a person’s level of competency was the most important characteristic for referring a person for women, and
women more than men felt that they needed to try the persons product or service prior to giving them a referral.

This is key information for you to know if your referral strategy is to gain more referral from women to their network of other women. Many women feel that it is important to try your product or services prior to recommending or referring them, unfortunately we cannot try every persons products and services. This is one of the reasons that Angie’s list became so popular, it made it easy for women to read what their neighbors were saying about the people hired to do work for them. I was never a subscriber to the list but many of my friends were and I could call them and ask them who was getting the best reviews. Unfortunately, many of my friends have dropped their subscription as the list went public, but I know that I can still call my friends and they will give me their opinion on local service people they or their friends have used. I can count on it!

So, what can you do to help women trust your level of competency if they themselves have not used your product or service? Here are 3 Tips that will help you gain trust and word of mouth with women in your network.

1. Give them free samples, free trials or a one time reduced cost. Companies have been doing this for years when they are trying to engage females in a word of mouth campaign. Women will often do this with products between friends, I had a friend using a certain type of hair product called WEN that I was interested in but it was a little bit pricy so I was reluctant to order it with out trying it so Lindsay gave me some her to try out. Today I have a standing order for the WEN products. Companies like Mary Kay Cosmetics have always known that if you let them try it out first they will buy more later.

2. Get great testimonials! Ok, I know you know this one but are you doing it? Are asking for testimonials? When you get them what are you doing with them? Go beyond the written testimonial, while they are great to have, the best ones are the ones where you ask your clients if you could interview them while you tape the interview with a flip cam. Companies like 12StarsMedia make the flip cam video branding seamless, easy and cost effective. When I go to a website and see video after video of testimonials from customers, I am more likely to choose your services over a competitors and that is even higher if someone I know has used the service and spoken highly about it.

3. Don’t just sell to women, build a relationship. If you spend time building a relationship of trust and good will even if she has not used your services, she will still refer you. The second most important thing to a woman is your character, if you take the time to build a relationship versus just selling to her, you will allow her to get to know your character and that too will help her be comfortable carrying your word of mouth message.

If your referral strategy is to create a business that includes women as your target market, I would strongly encourage both men and women to take the time to understand the way women refer business and how they want to be referred. What influences them and what annoys them, women are relational and want to do business in a relational manner, are you prepared for that?

Women are growing businesses all over the world. As you can see from this chart, taken from BOLT Insurance Site,  the total impact globally is significant. When we did our global survey of 12,000 men and women, we learned a lot about how the sexes go about connecting and doing business differently. If men want to be able to do business with, connect, get and give referrals with women, they are going to have to learn some new techniques. It is important on both sides of the fence that we learn to “adapt” to one another’s style.

Three key area’s stood out from our survey that certainly impact our ability to network, connect and refer:

1. How men and women go about building relationships and doing business
2. How we go about learning to network
3. What is important to her when referring and what is important to him

The biggest issue is this, when ask “How do you learn your networking skills?” men only scored higher in one category, “On My Own”. It was clear that women were seeking education while men felt they already new it all.

Based on the statistics above, this could be a major issue for men who have not learned to adapt their networking strategy. Women are dominating the business world and they are making many of the financial decisions in businesses and at home. I am ever amazed at how many men tell me, “They don’t read books” and our survey showed they don’t take classes, so how are men going to learn to connect and do business with women the way that women want to do business? What will it cost men and women to not learn?

Flip side of the coin is this; Men still dominate the business world, ladies how are you learning to adapt your networking strategy?

Networking, one of the most popular activities in the business world.  It is written about, talked about, videos are done, trainings are held, books are written, and blogs blogs blogs all about networking.  Most of them say the same things over and over, leaving you with “Tips” and “Sure Fire Way” to network better. If you are networking as a way to grow your business, then you really want to create a strategy for developing referrals and business from you networking activities.

There are steps to creating a referral strategy for your business, and it starts with creating the foundation. Understanding why you are in business and what drives you to do what you do is key to having a business you love. When there is passion in what you do it comes through and people are attracted to you, they want to be around you and they are happy to refer business to you.

If you ask people to describe networking you will get a variety of responses, most often it sounds something like this, “going to events where business people exchange business cards and talk business with one another.”  While indeed that is a good description of what a lot of “networking” events look like, it is not the only way that networking takes place.  People get so hung up on the formal side of networking that they completely miss all the other opportunities to network.  I personally spend far less time at “networking events” and far more time networking in ways that I enjoy.

Recently, I was invited to be part of #Social46.  This is a group of social media minded people who have strong networks, they were asked to support the Super Bowl 2012 committee in welcoming guest and helping them out using social media.  I was honored to be asked, and took advantage of the opportunity. Many of these are people I have heard of but never met in person, some I knew and have relationships with and still others I have never met online or offline.  This is the kind of networking that I enjoy, a group of people bound together for a common cause.

It does not take long to build strong relationships with people who have a common cause because you are all working and supporting one another to achieve that cause.  For this group there was the added excitement of being able to connect the city and the visitors, and being the first city to ever fully use social media in such a large event. I have a strong affinity for many of the participants, they are my role models on Social Media, and they are so giving of their time and efforts.  These are the kind of people I want in my network, who I want to learn more about, and who I feel good about referring to others because their “Givers Gain” attitude make them so referrable.

Working with a small group of people for a common cause is often far more effective that going month after month to big “networking” events.  Take a look a the networking that you are doing, how are you breaking out of the traditional mode and finding new ways to connect and build relationships?  Share some of your ideas with us!

Men and women want to achieve the same things but they are not always on the same path to accomplish the goal.  For women it is often about the journey, for men it is about getting to the destination.  Here is a clip of a presentation that I did in California to a room of about 1000 people discussing this topic.

Same Destination – Different Paths

Flirting:  to court trifling or act amorously without any serious intentions

Flirting is a basic instinct, part of human nature. This is not surprising: if we did not initiate contact and express interest in members of the opposite sex, we would not progress to reproduction, and the human species would become extinct. According to some evolutionary psychologists, flirting may even be the foundation of civilization as we know it. (www.sirc.org)

Flirting as you can see is a natural way of interacting for men and women. It is what we do, sometimes just for fun, other times with the intention to attract. So what is the harm in flirting when we are networking? Go to any networking event and you will see flirting, both men and women. Is it a bad thing? That would depend upon what you are going to the networking events for. What are you trying to achieve? One of the  biggest complaints that women have when working with and networking with men is that they are not taken seriously.

As a woman if I want men to take me and my business seriously, then I must first take myself and my business seriously. When women are flirting, men begin to see them in a different light than the professional light they want. While these women may indeed be asked for an appointment the complaint that we here from women is that the appointment was nothing more than a pretense for a date.

Over time other women will begin to exclude the flirt from their circle of information and connections. The constant flirting can often cost the flirt the credibility she seeks build when networking. Unfortunately, men who flirt are not held to the same level of accountability by women or men.

So, ladies, if you are flirting, it could be costing you connections, information, and being taken seriously by the very men you are flirting with. Remember that business networking should be treated as business, flirting at business functions should be avoided if you are looking to create high lever business relationships.