Have you ever met someone who you just did not like, maybe in church, at school, or at a business-networking event?  Of course! So, would it be fair to say that in all likelihood there are people out there who do not like you?  It’s shocking I know, but there are actually people out there who have never even spoken a word to you and they do not like you!  Take a deep breath, and ladies – grab a tissue and wipe your eyes, it’s ok.  Not everyone out there in the business world is going to like you, as that’s the nature of business and in fact, the nature of life.

It seems that the idea of having people not like us is a stumbling block for many women in business.  We worry that if we say the wrong thing, or if we have difficult conversations that are sometimes essential, then we will not be liked.  Therefore we don’t ask for the sale, we don’t speak up when we should, and we don’t take authority and own it. Instead we hope that people will “like” us enough to do business with us.

My coach reminds me often that my desire to be liked is in the way of my desire to be successful!  Ouch!

Here is the cold hard truth: when we put our need to be liked first we are being selfish, self-centered and insecure.  When we put the needs of others before our need to be liked, then and only then are we able to speak with truth, have authority in our expertise and lead others.  No leader anywhere can lead if their first desire is to be liked.  Even the bible cautions against having everyone like you, as it states in Luke 6:26, “Woe to you when all men speak well of you, for their fathers used to treat the false prophets in the same way”

Ladies, we don’t need everyone to like us, instead, what we need is for people to respect our authority, to have confidence in our ability to lead.  What we really want is respect for who we are and what we can accomplish.  That, ladies, is something we earn when we are secure in who we are, we know the value we bring to the table and we are able to stand in our own authority.  It is not given because we strive to be liked.

Women do not like to talk about their accomplishments, they feel that it is bragging which is unlady like and impolite.  Ladies, there is a big difference between “bragging” and sharing your accomplishments, and the latter is important if you are going to network effectively with men.  Listen to men talk to one another when they are networking and you will hear them tell each other about what they do, who they know, what schools they have gone to, what deals they have closed, even what things they have accomplished.  Here is a comment left in our survey;

#280 When I meet with women to network and discuss business I find we spend about 90% of the time getting to know each other, we discuss family, who we are, our backgrounds , etc. then we spend about 10% of time talking about business.    When meeting with men I find we spend 10% of our time getting to know each other and 90% of our time talking about business.   Both approaches are effective, but I enjoy networking with women more.

When women hear men talking they often think they are egotistical and bragging. The reality is they are building credibility with one another, when they are duly impressed they go off and do business with each other.

 Women on the other hand speak to relate to each other, they are looking to learn more about the person, who are they, what do they have in common, do they like each other, do they want to help one another? When they feel they have a connection they go forward and build a relationship of support.

#220  In my experience, women tend to network intuitively, but they tend to focus on relationship issues.  Men tend to network by design, and they tend to focus on business issues.

#178 I find that most women who network are definitely more interested in developing a relationship and then business later.  Most men get right into the conversation of  ”so what do you do?”

 Now, put a man and a woman together at a networking event and you will find they completely miss the mark when they are communicating to one another. He is telling her all about his accomplishments while she is trying to find a way to relate, he walks a way wondering why women cannot just talk about business, and she is wondering why they have to be so egotistical! They have missed the connection.

 It is important that we learn to communicate with each other more effectively, follow the lead of the person speaking.  If they are speaking about what they have accomplished, respond in a similar fashion.  On the other hand if they are speaking in a relational manner, respond in a similar fashion. When we learn to adapt to one another we can more effectively connect and refer each other allowing us both to do more business.

This is part two of a post by my friend and fellow Tweeter, Greg Magnusson DVM is an Indianapolis Veterinarian and owner of Leo’s Pet Care.  Part one is on the Blog for Lipstick on The Rim.

Greg is a prime example of why it is important to have a good social networking strategy.  I met Greg on Twitter, later I met him in person at a Tweetup during the Super Bowl.  Of course we hit is right off, we already knew each other from our online connections.  When we met offline the relationship was already much further along.  One of the things that we had in common was our fondness for a good beer and how beer is often seen at networking events.  Below is a great post of what not to do when networking and drinking beer.

Here’s how not to network with beer:

1. You’re three brews in before the other party takes a sip. If you wanted to get drunk, do it in the privacy of your own home or at the bar with your buddies. Even off duty, you’ve got the same name, and the same reputation to uphold.
2. If the other party is holding a cheap watery beer, resist the urge to tell them how terribly said beer sucks. It does you no good to insult someone’s taste.
3. At no point attempt to demonstrate your superior knowledge of hops, barley and water. Nobody is at this function to learn how much you know about beer.
4. Never be the first guy with a lampshade on your head. Further, before you allow yourself to be photographed, consider that photo will end up on every screen in the city for weeks to come.
5. Don’t drink just to give yourself an excuse to say dumb stuff you’ve always wanted to say to someone but common courtesy had previously prevented you. Nobody buys the excuse that you called your boss a jerk “because of the beer”.
6. If beer makes you surly and rude, don’t drink at networking events. Be honest with yourself. Surely by now you know your response to beer, right?
7. Never drink so much that you don’t remember who you were talking to or what they said.
8. Mind your manners, hitting on the opposite sex is not a good idea when you are drinking at a networking event, it will damage your reputation.

Nothing can ruin your credibility faster with those who you are networking with than breaking the rules above.  How many times have you been at a networking event or even a party with co-workers and watched that one person get so drunk and do something completely offensive.  Drinking let’s your barriers down

As 2011 was moving out and the 2012 was moving in, Lorraine Ball and I were taking our weekly long walk on the Monon discussing and solving all the problems of the world or at least our world.  The topic of people saying thank you came up.  Lorraine has been interviewing people for a position in her company and she noted that no one sent any kind of a thank you message to her or her team for the time taken.  Her question was, “Whatever happened to the simple Thank You Note?”

The art of the handwritten note card, is a lost art that hardly anyone knows how to do or why they should. Emails notes and cards are cheaper, easier and faster, and at least that is better than nothing at all. But there is something special about that small little handwritten card that shows up in your mail. The moment you see it you know that it is usually good news, and not the typical bill or crap mail you usually get.

There was a time that it was just common courtesy to send a thank you card to someone who had done you a kindness. It was a simple act of gratitude. Today people barely say thank you let alone write it out in a note card. I am always so happy when I get a note from someone, it makes me feel appreciated, it tells me that I make a difference or that I have contributed in some small way to another. I keep the cards that I get throughout the year on a board in my office and when I feel discouraged or just need a boost, I can look at the board and know that there are people out there that appreciate me and the work I do. It is such a positive reminder of who I am in the world.

Sending thank you notes or just a simple “Hi How Are You” Note is also an excellent strategy to have when you are trying to stay in touch with your network and the people you meet regularly.  The handwritten note is a great way to stand out from the crowd.

On a recent television show, one of the human interest shows, they did a segment on the handwritten note. I was shocked and amazed! I watched with great interest, after all in this age of technology in communication, this was astounding. The segment was excellent, and they interviewed this man, John Kralik, who has written an entire book on the simple act of sending out cards and how it has changed his life. See, not only does your kindness of a card make a difference to the person who got it, but it makes a difference in your life too.

You don’t need a reason, it does not have to be fancy, and you don’t have to write like Halmark. Just pull out a little card, say thank you or I appreciate you and mail it. Make it a habit this year, set yourself a part from the pack, be different and be sincere.

Today, I will clear off my board, put my cards from 2011 into a special wooden box, and start putting up my 2012 collection of inspiration. I will continue my practice of mailing at least one card a day with the hope that I will inspire someone else to pass along a simple act of kindness.

Flirting:  to court trifling or act amorously without any serious intentions

Flirting is a basic instinct, part of human nature. This is not surprising: if we did not initiate contact and express interest in members of the opposite sex, we would not progress to reproduction, and the human species would become extinct. According to some evolutionary psychologists, flirting may even be the foundation of civilization as we know it. (www.sirc.org)

Flirting as you can see is a natural way of interacting for men and women. It is what we do, sometimes just for fun, other times with the intention to attract. So what is the harm in flirting when we are networking? Go to any networking event and you will see flirting, both men and women. Is it a bad thing? That would depend upon what you are going to the networking events for. What are you trying to achieve? One of the  biggest complaints that women have when working with and networking with men is that they are not taken seriously.

As a woman if I want men to take me and my business seriously, then I must first take myself and my business seriously. When women are flirting, men begin to see them in a different light than the professional light they want. While these women may indeed be asked for an appointment the complaint that we here from women is that the appointment was nothing more than a pretense for a date.

Over time other women will begin to exclude the flirt from their circle of information and connections. The constant flirting can often cost the flirt the credibility she seeks build when networking. Unfortunately, men who flirt are not held to the same level of accountability by women or men.

So, ladies, if you are flirting, it could be costing you connections, information, and being taken seriously by the very men you are flirting with. Remember that business networking should be treated as business, flirting at business functions should be avoided if you are looking to create high lever business relationships.

Rather than making assumptions, ask more questions. This was a piece of sage advice that has been given to me both by my spiritual mentor, and my sales coach! No, they are not one in the same, but both have expressed the importance of asking more questions, as well as asking better questions. Over the years as I have developed my networking skills I have come to learn the importance of not only asking questions but ask good questions.

I often teach people how to network effectively, to get beyond face to face cold calling, to do quality networking that allows you to build relationships with people whom you want to refer business to and who may want to refer business to you. One of the most popular questions I get from my students is; “How do you start a good conversation with someone I meet at a networking event?” My response is always the same, “Ask Questions”

 People love to talk about themselves, their businesses, what they are doing that is important to them, and what is going on in their world. If you are shy, or timid, asking questions will allow you to interact and find common ground with people. It will take you out of your shell by allowing you to focus on something other than your own fear.

 Here are a few tips for asking questions:

•  Never ask yes or no questions, otherwise you just get yes and no answers and there is no conversation started. Make sure your questions are open ended.

•  Ask thoughtful questions that you would really like to know the answer to. People respond better when they know you are genuinely interested. We are accustomed to hearing questions like, “How are you?” “How’s business?” “What brought you here?” “What do you do?” The truth of those questions is that no one really wants to know the answer, they are just being polite.

•  After you ask a question, listen to the answer. It may lead you down the path of the next question or you may learn that the person you are speaking to would be a great connection for someone else you know if the room.

•  Don’t be a Drill Sargent and pummel the person with questions, it is far better to have 2-3 well thought out questions that draw the person into conversation with you, than it is to have a barrage of pointless questions.

 One of the finale questions I will often ask people is this, “As I continue to network and meet people here is there anyone you would like to know or anything I can do to help you?” In fact I almost always finish any conversation that I have with this question, “Is there anything at all that I can do to help you going forward?” If there is, I make a note of it, if there is not, I let them know that I am an email away if they can think of anything I can do for them, just drop me a note.

Remember to have a sense of curiosity about people, learn more about them, and they will want to learn more about you too!   Often I can go to an event and say very little, but I learn a lot simply by asking good questions.

It is said, that a wise man listens and questions, a fool rambles on and on.

 Last week I posted 3 Things that Women Do Better Than Men, today it is the guys turn. Can you believe it ladies, there are things that men do better than we women. Of course you can, it is designed by nature. Men are great at doing a variety of things while women are great at others, we are different in every aspect of business and life. In this case we are going to look at 3 things that men do better at networking that women do.

 The goal is for us to learn how to network with men and leverage our networks more effectively. Women are great at building strong long term relationship. Where we are weak is taking those relationships and turning them in to business opportunities, for referrals and even sales. Here are 3 things that men do better and we can learn to do it too.

1.  They can identify business opportunities quicker than women. Men can see opportunity and they are willing to go after in much quicker. In the world of networking, men can identify where they are most likely to be able to get and give referrals with someone.

2. They are more willing to ask for what they want. Their fear of rejection is much less than a woman’s fear of rejection. They are not afraid to ask people to do things for them, and they are clear about what they want and approach people in business with that in mind.

3. Men are much better at not taking things personally, they understand that it is about the business. They can have the business deal go bad and they know it should not get in the way of their friendship.

 These are great traits for women to be able to do also. My next post will discuss how we can benefit by learning from each other. What kinds of thing have you noticed about the differences in men and women networking?

Business networking is about building relationships and who is better at building relationships than women. When it comes to networking there are a few things that women are just naturally better at then the men. There are things they can learn from us, just as there are things we can learn from them. In this blog, I am listing the 3 things that women do better than the men. The following blog will list the 3 things that men do better than women and the third in the series will discuss how we can learn from each other. So, before you men get all upset, be patient, you time to shine will be next, ladies first!

1. Women build deeper relationships with the people they meet than men do. That is not to say that men do not build relationships, they do, but they do it differently and they define it differently. This really plays out when men retire, once they are no longer working they have few close friends to do things with. Good networking is about building good relationships.

2. Women are excellent carriers of word-of-mouth. Women will sing your praises when you do a good job for them, and typically they are less likely to refer someone if they have not used or seen the quality of your work or product. When they do, no one will pass on the information better than a female.

3. Women by nature are collaborators, they build community. They will rally a group together to accomplish a goal or task. Where men are often lone wolves, women like to do things in groups. This plays very well in the business networking arena, it allows more people to win, when they are all working together.

 All of these are good traits, and each of them have a downfall. While it is important to build relationships, women often forget that they are building business relationships. Relationships that are meant to help, to be leveraged for business on both sides. We spend a lot of time building the relationships in the hope that they will do business with us, but we think that just because someone knows what we do, they will choose to use us when the need arises. That is a belief that often holds us back from creating the success in our business networking that we are looking for.

Next up: Three things that men do better than women!

I went to Ireland in February to speak at a conference, I connected with some of my friends there, and made many new friends, last week I was in Australia, training a group of franchise owners.  In August I will be in Africa working with a team of franchise owners, and in October, I am going to go hang out with friends in London, Paris and Scotland.   Ten years ago I would not have believed that I could know someone on every continent of the globe, but today, I do.  It makes for a diversely rich network, allowing me to learn, connect and travel the world.

One of the benefits of traveling,  teaching and learning is my appreciation of my very own country, to be able to see the US through the eyes of those outside the US.  To travel the way that I do in the world never would have happened if I had not decided to be intentional about the creation of my network.  Every single opportunity that I have had to travel has been the result of my network, they have referred me over and over to others.  They extend invitations and make me feel at home in a foreign place.

Today it is not hard at all to build a global network.  With social media sites like Facebook, Linkedin, and  Twitter and international face to face organizations like Rotary, Toastmasters and BNI the world continues to feel as if it is shrinking.  When you meet someone on the other side of the world who knows someone you know, it hits you, just how connected we all are!

Here are a few things that you can do to increase your global connections and create contacts around the world.

1.  Social Media – Get active on sites like Twitter, Facebook and LinkedIn and start connecting globally. These are the big three. But, I have found there are more region specific sites like Ecademy that are heavily used by Europeans, so I am able to have more conversations and stay up on world topics by participating there. There are also sites that are more heavily influenced by Asian participants too.

2.  Attend international trade shows and conferences. Attending workshops with people from all over the world allows you to connect over a common interest. This opens the door for future conversations and connection. Don’t forget to follow up with the people that you meet! I am a member of the National Speakers Association and one of my best connections came from the New York Conference where I was able to meet with Lindsay Adams, President of the International Speakers Association. I had the opportunity to co-present with him while I was in Australia because of the connection we made at conference.

3.  When the opportunity to take a program comes up go to a city with international influence. Given the opportunity I prefer to go to Chicago because I know that I am more likely to meet people from all over the world than I would if I stay in my own town. I have made several great contacts using this tactic alone.

4.  Get involved in international organizations like BNI, Toastmasters and Rotary where you can connect globally while doing business locally. These are organizations that have large global memberships and a common cause, they encourage you to stop in and visit the local chapters when you are in the area.

It is a big world out there, but when you know someone everywhere you go, it makes it small and cozy.  You are comfortable going to a part of the world you have never been to when you connect with someone you know there.  It is wonderful to be able to learn about other cultures, languages, styles, history, and yes even food.  The opportunity to build your global network is better than it ever has been, you just have to step out, and do it!